Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been rewarded for not needing any extra attention. I’ve been an ideal student, a well-behaved daughter, and a consistent friend. Somewhere along the way, I learned that not depending on anybody for anything was easier and helped me stay in control.

I used to hide food in my room as a kid, not because I was hungry, but so that if I ever got hungry, I wouldn’t have to admit it to anyone.

I knew how scared I would get when people got angry, so I never let myself get angry. That way no one would need to tell me that it hurt people.

I refused to sit on the carpet with my fellow kindergartners, because I didn’t want anyone to think I needed to be taught anything.

 I learned to never need help. Or at least, never to admit it.

 Instead, I learned to hide.

I started to notice what people praised in me, and I focused on showing those things and holding back everything else.

Especially my needs.

Like a curator, the person who manages art at a museum, I chose the pieces that people liked the most about my personality, and I hung them on display, with perfect lighting and pretty descriptions.

Want to read the rest….? 

I’m over at “Body Journal” today, writing about shame, perfectionism and tearing away masks. Check it out here


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